Emotional abuse, entitlement, and the protection thereof.
So I'll come out and say it. For the past two and a half years, I have been emotionally abused by one of my close friends, who was also one of my sexual partners. It's hard to be lucid when you've been invalidated so much that you start second guessing all your experiences. However, in this post I want to discuss my own experience within the framework of the aforementioned points: the emotional abuse that was inflicted on me, the concept of entitlement from a feminist perspective, and the protection of entitlement that led to the emotional abuse occurring.
Two and a half years of having to deal with being psychologically attacked in this manner has left me bereft of much of my self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and trust in my own perceptions. I started second-guessing not only what and how I experienced specific events, but also who I was and what defined me. I'm by no means behind all this. It's still occurring, and the most I can do right now is collect my thoughts, talk to others and try to haul myself up to my feet.
I've been feeling like my thoughts and feelings weren't valued by this person: let's call him the Philosophiser. I'd get to a point where I couldn't stand being abused and argue, threaten to leave, or leave. But arguments with him ended up being pointless; he was always out to win them, with rhetoric rather than threats. I felt like there wasn't anything I could do to get him to listen, to empathise. He'd give me mixed messages: telling me he loved me at an inappropriate time (when I was furious at him during sex), when prior to and afterwards he refused to say any such thing, and telling me he cared for me, that I was special to him when not once did I receive any emotional support above the barest minimum.
Any discussion of the problems I felt were occurring within the relationship were treated as frivolous bitching. After any argument, his first order of business was to persuade me into having sex as a way to make up, regardless of my emotional state. He would deny that events happened, or dispute how they occurred. At times when I needed emotional support the most, be it due to parental, social or academic issues, including issues pertaining to our relationship, he would deny my emotional need. He would deny my perceptions and memory, citing his own poor memory. He'd tell me that playing with someone's bra with the intent to remove or undo it was not in fact, flirting or an obvious come-on, but that it was merely 'playing'. He'd twist words in order to have himself come up smelling like roses when in reality, his words stunk like shit. Any viewpoint, feeling or perception that I expressed was disallowed when it differed from his own. Because of this, my self-esteem was lowered, and I find it hard to trust my own judgement.
He would invalidate me, failing to recognise reality. I was told that I was too sensitive, that I go 'from drama to drama'. My perceptions were distorted and undermined; I was portrayed as too sensitive, when now it seems to me that I was only attempting to take care of my basic emotional needs as a human being. When I would tell him that I felt invalidated, that he was invalidating me, he would trivialise amd question my reactions. His reactions showed me he didn't respect me, didn't care about me or my feelings. To him, logic was the supreme way to solve emotional problems. He'd tell me I had no reason to feel jealous, no reason to feel angry- eroding at my right to feel this way. You shouldn't be feeling upset, he'd tell me, grossly exacerbating the problem. You're too dramatic, too sensitive. Stop bitching, stop whinging.
If he wasn't denying my emotional needs, he was minimising them. 'You're just bitching about the other night,' he said to me just yesterday. 'I am over you making a big deal of it.' This, in response to my concerns about a sexual encounter that jeopardised my very good relationship with another friend. Because he had enjoyed himself, he couldn't see why I was concerned, wouldn't accept that emotional enjoyment was also crucial. Last I checked, acceptance of this was part of a healthy relationship. In effect, he used us, used me as an accessory in his fantasy.
He would tell me to feel differently, saying I shouldn't feel upset, telling me to get over issues, to not be so dramatic or sensitive, stop feeling sorry for myself or stop taking things so personally. He'd deny my perception by telling me he cared, telling me I was special to him, attempting to placate me with affection while never changing any aspect of his behaviour. He would guilt me by telling me that I was trying to change his personality, that I was just trying to control him. He didn't understand, or want to understand that all I wanted was to get some basic human respect from him, in the same way that he showed to his acquaintances and male friends. He would isolate me by saying things like, I don't have a problem with it, why should you?
He'd minimise my feelings, judge and label me by calling me moody every single time I had a problem. Why not just call me hysterical and be done with it? Yesterday he told me that I 'was just a jealous person'. Nevermind that this jealousy has only manifested with him and no other partner I've had, nevermind that this jealousy resulted from my insecurities about him. He used what was an isolated case in my life as a brush to paint broad strokes over my character.
He would make me question myself, and tell me how i should or shouldn't feel when issues arose. He'd lay guilt trips on me, focussing on his feelings to the detriment of mine. He'd mock me sarcastically, implying that I was a sex prude by telling me I wasn't sex positive- using another friend's sexual agency to damage mine. He'd tell me that my feelings were just a phase I was going through.
And at the end of any argument, he'd show intolerance: 'I am over you making a big deal of it,' would be something he'd say. There was no attempt to establish a way in which we could both manage our differences. My compromise was always demanded, not his. Not once did he take any responsibility for hurting me, or anyone else. It was always the other person's fault. Failing that, he would cite that his intentions were good, that he didn't mean to do it. Not once did he acknowledge the difference between intention and actual result.
So where does this fit in with entitlement? Well, I don't want to try to get into his head on this- I've already done more than enough of that. I believe that entitlement was a possible motivator- the feeling that he was entitled to get no-strings-attached sex with a friend. That all our sexual encounters came without strings. That examining the context of these encounters and our friendship was not allowed. That he was entitled to use me and discard me as he saw fit. I think that that was why any emotional need of mine was met with a distinct lack of concern. He 'didn't want to go chasing after [me], trying to make [me] feel better'. If giving me a brief hug, snuggle, or telling me I had no reason to be upset didn't solve the problem, he would withdraw. Often he'd suggest or use sex as a way to solve issues, telling me, 'Why don't you come over here and I'll make you feel better?'
Despite what I considered (perhaps erroneously) to be our friendship, he wasn't prepared to do any emotional maintenance. It's that overinflated sense of entitlement that leads me to believe that it's partly motivated his psychological abuse of me. Partly, because I can't say what motivated him for sure.
I'm wary of painting him as an out-and-out predator and abuser, though I have my suspicions that he is indeed such. Perhaps I'm giving him too much credit in this respect, but it seems unlikely to me that all this abuse was consciously perpetrated on me. I'm more inclined to think that it was the protection of the entitlement he felt that led him to abuse me. At all turns, he felt the need to retain his advantage, his power over me, be it sexual or emotional. I'm not sure just how conscious or unconscious this was. Unconscious seems more likely, but I don't think that was wholly the case.
I'm quite sure that he'll come across this at some point and read it. But to be honest, I don't think he will ever change in his relationships with women (as I've seen no evidence that he abuses his male friends in this way, the misogynistic wankstain) without some kind of professional help. I don't hold out any hope of seeing him treat me as an actual human being, one with emotional as well as physical needs. I can only express my profound disappointment, emotional despair and fury, and try to regain the self-esteem, self-worth, and dignity that he tore from me.
May the devil get his due.
Two and a half years of having to deal with being psychologically attacked in this manner has left me bereft of much of my self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and trust in my own perceptions. I started second-guessing not only what and how I experienced specific events, but also who I was and what defined me. I'm by no means behind all this. It's still occurring, and the most I can do right now is collect my thoughts, talk to others and try to haul myself up to my feet.
I've been feeling like my thoughts and feelings weren't valued by this person: let's call him the Philosophiser. I'd get to a point where I couldn't stand being abused and argue, threaten to leave, or leave. But arguments with him ended up being pointless; he was always out to win them, with rhetoric rather than threats. I felt like there wasn't anything I could do to get him to listen, to empathise. He'd give me mixed messages: telling me he loved me at an inappropriate time (when I was furious at him during sex), when prior to and afterwards he refused to say any such thing, and telling me he cared for me, that I was special to him when not once did I receive any emotional support above the barest minimum.
Any discussion of the problems I felt were occurring within the relationship were treated as frivolous bitching. After any argument, his first order of business was to persuade me into having sex as a way to make up, regardless of my emotional state. He would deny that events happened, or dispute how they occurred. At times when I needed emotional support the most, be it due to parental, social or academic issues, including issues pertaining to our relationship, he would deny my emotional need. He would deny my perceptions and memory, citing his own poor memory. He'd tell me that playing with someone's bra with the intent to remove or undo it was not in fact, flirting or an obvious come-on, but that it was merely 'playing'. He'd twist words in order to have himself come up smelling like roses when in reality, his words stunk like shit. Any viewpoint, feeling or perception that I expressed was disallowed when it differed from his own. Because of this, my self-esteem was lowered, and I find it hard to trust my own judgement.
He would invalidate me, failing to recognise reality. I was told that I was too sensitive, that I go 'from drama to drama'. My perceptions were distorted and undermined; I was portrayed as too sensitive, when now it seems to me that I was only attempting to take care of my basic emotional needs as a human being. When I would tell him that I felt invalidated, that he was invalidating me, he would trivialise amd question my reactions. His reactions showed me he didn't respect me, didn't care about me or my feelings. To him, logic was the supreme way to solve emotional problems. He'd tell me I had no reason to feel jealous, no reason to feel angry- eroding at my right to feel this way. You shouldn't be feeling upset, he'd tell me, grossly exacerbating the problem. You're too dramatic, too sensitive. Stop bitching, stop whinging.
If he wasn't denying my emotional needs, he was minimising them. 'You're just bitching about the other night,' he said to me just yesterday. 'I am over you making a big deal of it.' This, in response to my concerns about a sexual encounter that jeopardised my very good relationship with another friend. Because he had enjoyed himself, he couldn't see why I was concerned, wouldn't accept that emotional enjoyment was also crucial. Last I checked, acceptance of this was part of a healthy relationship. In effect, he used us, used me as an accessory in his fantasy.
He would tell me to feel differently, saying I shouldn't feel upset, telling me to get over issues, to not be so dramatic or sensitive, stop feeling sorry for myself or stop taking things so personally. He'd deny my perception by telling me he cared, telling me I was special to him, attempting to placate me with affection while never changing any aspect of his behaviour. He would guilt me by telling me that I was trying to change his personality, that I was just trying to control him. He didn't understand, or want to understand that all I wanted was to get some basic human respect from him, in the same way that he showed to his acquaintances and male friends. He would isolate me by saying things like, I don't have a problem with it, why should you?
He'd minimise my feelings, judge and label me by calling me moody every single time I had a problem. Why not just call me hysterical and be done with it? Yesterday he told me that I 'was just a jealous person'. Nevermind that this jealousy has only manifested with him and no other partner I've had, nevermind that this jealousy resulted from my insecurities about him. He used what was an isolated case in my life as a brush to paint broad strokes over my character.
He would make me question myself, and tell me how i should or shouldn't feel when issues arose. He'd lay guilt trips on me, focussing on his feelings to the detriment of mine. He'd mock me sarcastically, implying that I was a sex prude by telling me I wasn't sex positive- using another friend's sexual agency to damage mine. He'd tell me that my feelings were just a phase I was going through.
And at the end of any argument, he'd show intolerance: 'I am over you making a big deal of it,' would be something he'd say. There was no attempt to establish a way in which we could both manage our differences. My compromise was always demanded, not his. Not once did he take any responsibility for hurting me, or anyone else. It was always the other person's fault. Failing that, he would cite that his intentions were good, that he didn't mean to do it. Not once did he acknowledge the difference between intention and actual result.
So where does this fit in with entitlement? Well, I don't want to try to get into his head on this- I've already done more than enough of that. I believe that entitlement was a possible motivator- the feeling that he was entitled to get no-strings-attached sex with a friend. That all our sexual encounters came without strings. That examining the context of these encounters and our friendship was not allowed. That he was entitled to use me and discard me as he saw fit. I think that that was why any emotional need of mine was met with a distinct lack of concern. He 'didn't want to go chasing after [me], trying to make [me] feel better'. If giving me a brief hug, snuggle, or telling me I had no reason to be upset didn't solve the problem, he would withdraw. Often he'd suggest or use sex as a way to solve issues, telling me, 'Why don't you come over here and I'll make you feel better?'
Despite what I considered (perhaps erroneously) to be our friendship, he wasn't prepared to do any emotional maintenance. It's that overinflated sense of entitlement that leads me to believe that it's partly motivated his psychological abuse of me. Partly, because I can't say what motivated him for sure.
I'm wary of painting him as an out-and-out predator and abuser, though I have my suspicions that he is indeed such. Perhaps I'm giving him too much credit in this respect, but it seems unlikely to me that all this abuse was consciously perpetrated on me. I'm more inclined to think that it was the protection of the entitlement he felt that led him to abuse me. At all turns, he felt the need to retain his advantage, his power over me, be it sexual or emotional. I'm not sure just how conscious or unconscious this was. Unconscious seems more likely, but I don't think that was wholly the case.
I'm quite sure that he'll come across this at some point and read it. But to be honest, I don't think he will ever change in his relationships with women (as I've seen no evidence that he abuses his male friends in this way, the misogynistic wankstain) without some kind of professional help. I don't hold out any hope of seeing him treat me as an actual human being, one with emotional as well as physical needs. I can only express my profound disappointment, emotional despair and fury, and try to regain the self-esteem, self-worth, and dignity that he tore from me.
May the devil get his due.
posted by Bless | 11:52 pm
8 Comments:
When it seemed like he had changed, I really hoped that he had. I suppose that was foolish optimism since he seems to view your anguish as your problem and not something he had any causal role in.
It strikes me how the whole time that I have known you, there's never been an extended period of time where things between you two stayed ok. There was always something dragging you down and making you feel worthless. I suppose I have felt some part of the emotional strain you've been under, though nothing compared to your own experience of it, but the thing that always got to me the most was how much you blamed yourself and took it out on yourself. It wasn't you. For the whole time that I've known you I've never seen you get so upset and so self-denigrating about anything else at ALL aside from this. I really hope that identifying it and putting it out there and proclaiming / admitting that you were not at fault helps you. Things are still really raw and painful now, I know. That's to be expected. The hardest part is walking away, I think.
I still sms Liz sometimes. I know it's stupid. She doesn't reply, anyway. She has only ever been accessible to me when she wanted something. I also know, now, that who I am isn't a part of why things didn't work with her. I feel like she can still hurt me but at the same time she is nothing to me. Like, there is still that attachment there which I havent quite shaken, but I have contempt for the way she treated me.
I think you are right when you say that a lot of his actions towards you were not conscious but were part of a deeper underlying sense of entitlement. The one recurring theme through all this is his utter inability to comprehend his part in it. He seems to coast along oblivious to the effects of his actions, writing them off as moodiness et cetera. Meanwhile you'd keep being torn between acting in accordance with your belief system and trying to keep things with him patched together. From my perspective on it it seems like a lot of your pain through this has been because of the awareness of the distance between how you want to be and how you've been forced to be.
You can be free of it, though. It will always be there in your history but it doesn't have to keep affecting you. Don't let go of your beliefs, lovely.
You wrote a great post.
Hey Bless,
It's a shame I wasn't aware of this earlier as I hope I would have been able to help you through this, help you see that you deserve dignity and respect in every relationship you're a part of.
It's sort of corny to say but my experience's in my High Schools where "respect" was the golden rule have had a big impact on me (that and it's reinforcement by parental units and the like) but it really is the most important part of any relationship. If a person does not respect you or your viewpoints, dismissing them as moodiness and not acknowledgeing their validity that person is not worth your time.
There are many more people around that will give you that respect and should give you that respect, and I'm glad to see that Ben seems to genuinely respect you and is trying to help you through your issues, not disregarding them.
Remember I'm always around to talk, even if I may not always have the right words I can at least listen.
Hey, like everyone else, I had no idea you were going through all this, but I'm so glad you've gotten it all out and told us. I don't think this guy is worth a second thought, but I know it's probably quite difficult to come out of something like this in such a clean cut way. I'm here if you need me, any time, and I'm thinking about you lots and hoping that you start to realise what a beautiful person you are again. Hanna
Hey, I'm so sorry I didn't realise you were going through all this for such a long time. I'm glad that you've told us now though and that you can start to heal a bit. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to, any time. Thinking about you lots and hoping that you start to realise what a beautiful person you are again.
Hey guys, just wanted to say thank you so much for all your support, via comment and email. I'm a bit jittery, but handling things okay. Having a name to categorise his behaviour has really brought home the severity of what went on, as well as restore at least a little of my trust in myself. I don't think I'll be totally okay for a long while to come, but since I've got you guys and Ben backing me, I think I'll be okay. Thanks again, puppies :)
WOW, that was one huge post. It must feel soo much better to have finally got that all out. Don't let this guy get to you, he's not worth the time. For the past 2 and a half years, you've given him chance after chance and it is definetly not your fault that he took it for granted. If you ever need any help or support, dont ever forget that IM HERE. :) But I know you're a strong girl :p... You rock Bless and that's all that matters. Talk to you soon.
sharn
I hope you're ok. He should not have treated you (nor should anyone treat anyone else) like that. You're an amazing person and deserve someone who cares about you and your feelings. If you need anything give me a call.
oh my god i had no idea it was that bad. And I unless I am grossly mistaken I know the "philosophiser" as you named him... though personally I would prefer the term "jackass".
And although the only insight I have to what you experienced is what you just said I know what he is and I can see exactly how that could have and did happen and how his deviant brain works... and it makes me sick.
I know this comment is well late but you should hear what's true and as we hope the devil gets his due, the angel, well the sister of angel by god almightly is going to get her due, and a good due it will be!!!
blessi we love you, you are by far one of the most intelligent, lovely, gorgeous, brainy, zaney, funny, cute, artistic, beautiful, brave, strong, elloquent, literary individuals I know.
And your lucky I'm gay or you would have one hell of an ugly stalker!! ;) jk
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